www.ucluhockey.org

[the bladder]

“Let’s do a job on these!”

Despite Rosey’s best efforts Prague and Rimini was up there to rival Calella, and due to Stuey House causing the Credit Crunch it was on a budget as well.

- “What would Dan Borg and Eb Mukhtar say?” In particular to 2 virgins asleep on the back row, vets sipping Ameretto and cokes while watching Beauty and the Beast.
- The carnage caused before leaving. 16 blokes sitting on a 4 man table at Euston Nandos. Foxy to the table of 3 over weight common black ladies and their children next to us – “this is why I don’t eat in cheap establishments”, to their complaints at our incessant swearing. Grinty shouting “Nigger Wot!” before running out of the packed restaurant. Grint doing a shit on the Bloomsbury stairs. Voyle and Colesy being banned from the union all night for orchestrating Voyle’s employment behind the bar and full induction into the till.
- The bus journey logistics. Doing a job on 45 bottles of spirits - “no we’ve worked it out, 9 bottles of bucca.”
- Prague – never making it to the castle.
- The girls clearly not getting a better deal on the pub crawl than us!
- Duvet’s 1kg of beef challenge. Talking him into something he was clearly never going to do in 30 mins. 5 of us paying £7 each to watch him eat meat and lose £70 quid just for the sake of the story.
- ‘7 man bike’ tour around Prague with l’Alan the Frenchman. The smile on Rosey’s face as we rode through the Jewish quarter, with his fool’s gold on display in his hair.
- Risky Business. Dropping quarter of a G between 4 on vodka orange after popping for a quiet coffee. Returning to the hotel to find 14 missed calls from the girls who thought that Sophie and Steph had gone missing in Rimini for 3 hours during the day.
- Havana Club. 1 Euro a drink Jaeger Bombs. Ending both my virgins by ordering one of everything on the drinks’ menu. Tagging in Dyson and Voyle, only for them to also end up vomming in the toilets, so ending up with Scouse and some Danish blokes in gansta hats.
- ‘5 storey biggest club in Europe’. R and B/ commercial hip hop basement not found until 3am. Gucci coming out of his shell: “can we lose Eva so that we can go and find some strippers”. Survivors’ team photo by the weir in the 5.30am morning light. One of the girls: “I can’t believe how quickly you all got formed up!”, Tej: “Great Spatial Awareness…sports’ men!”. Doddy throwing wrought iron chairs into the river at 5 in the morning. Morning jog through Prague with Matthew Case and Alex Duvet. The McDonalds’ double meals that actually cost around £8, not the bargain we expected.
- Pub Crawl. Tej’s 142 shots of Absinthe.
- 3 days of Hotel Gate to rival ‘PedroGate ‘07’. Hiding under the covers with Scouse from the angry waiter shouting at the bed in our room. Waking to find Peeping asleep under my bed. Finding Varun naked wandering about the room, realising the next morning that he’d thrown up in every vessel in our bathroom – sink, bidet, toilet, shower. Accidentally killing the fish by throwing them against the wall with Scouse, attempting to give them mouth to mouth, and then an adrenaline shot of caffeine to restart their little hearts. The blood from the dead Croatian girl. Yudi falling asleep in the bidet with a dead fish down his pants. 750 euro fine for damages.
- The arcade and the ridiculous amounts of tokens. Tej on the wheel of fortune machine.
- Sleeping Gersters.
- ‘Blow Up’. After all the lads ordering Strawberry Lemon Vodkas (except Dice, ordering Cointreau, Campari and Gins), turning to Fox as ‘It’s raining men’ came on on the, bloke filled, dance floor: “we’re in a gay bar”. Voyley, who 2 days previously wouldn’t pull a lad, running on to the dance floor during YMCA, pulling his shirt around his head and grinding on a group of 5 gay blokes. Only going to the toilets in pairs. Judging Scouse and Duvets abs by stroking compared to some other blokes in the toilets. Being the gayest in the gay club.
- “Ask him the question!”
- Richard Grint.
-D. Nuttall still not being able to whisper!
- Name game being taken to new heights, “dark” banter – “top tour memories deema and pliers…top tour mice from mars…biker mice from top tour memories etc.”
- Note sending on the way to Bologna. “Turn around and we’ll kill you”/ “Fuck off” and to the drivers “There is a bomb on the bus. Do not slow down. Do not call the police. Do not talk to Dan Rose. Do not pass go and do not collect £200.”
- Court. D Nuttall to Yudi: “for being the only one in the club able to spell their name with 2 letters of the alphabet”. N Dyson to Hau: “shit rate on my ISA”.
- Ameretto and Cokes. Deciding that no one like beers so fining ourselves on warm Fosters.
- Hau-myster genster/ Bobby the Jew/ The prancing Leprechaun during initiation.
- In summary having very few memories of every night out except for the fact that Colesy and I stayed up past 5am every night.
_________________
"Somebody has taken liberties with your life..." Sagittarius, The London Lite, 06/02/09

"Only the stupidest fish are caught twice with the same bait, Sagitarrius. This wekend, someone could be set to pull the wool over your eyes in exactly the same way as they've done before..." Sagitarrius, The London Paper, 06/02/09

'I wasn't to know.'

[Colesy]

[Colesy]

Not talking to Doddy until he apologised in the second bar of the pub crawl which was magical. xx

[yudisingh12]

-Pikey's sister...wish she came on tour.
-Falling asleep on the coach and waking up to Jamie Gregory re-enacting scenes from the incredible Hulk/King Kong. And then doing an impersonation of Kevin Spacey from Usual Suspects the rest of tour...Jamie YOU LAD.
-Varun "I think I've got a good chance with steph...I like a challenge...and im full of surprises"
-Varun2 "Next time steph accepts something from me, it will be a case of acceptance 2 dig (gesturing a fingering motion)"
-Dyson manning up and performing fellatio and unorthodox sex on Richardson after I rejected her.
-Voyle calling up the whole of Rimini in one night. Unsatisfied by the response then deciding to call up the woman on TV for a sexy time chat.
-Hamid telling me he had a great wank earlier in the day and sneakily showing me the outline of his cock throughout court when no-one was looking...semi-gay persona definately coming out.
-Myself, Peeing and Dan Rose...witnessing a woman giving us directions in prague square pissing out a horse load of piss. Without us even saying anything she replied "Thats weird isn't it".
-Vanders bringing in a yank with a raging boner to the kebab.
-Simon Coles throwing himself at me and Voyle every night and then sulking as we said we didn't want chloes sloppy seconds.
-Adrian Hau...amazing chat all tour.
-Two random men debating whether or not to touch up Lily while she was asleep on the sofa. Duvet steps in "Shes out for the count mate" and then motorboats her for 5 minutes.
_________________
Ally : "I was a player back in the day....and I don't just mean for the Trojans, I slept with at least 15 women before Philippa"

[georgefoxall]

Will have to do this in two stages as some of these only apply to D. Nuttall and myself.

Stage 1

- Nando's: "This is what happens when you sit next to second class citizens." Black people hate it when you call them second class.

- Stumbling across people from my course and telling them I had no idea what that bunch of rowdy drunkards were up to. "Isn't that your hockey club?" "No, must be football. Chavs." Bladder turns up, "Foxii foxii, oh, hullo mi'lady; we've got Voyley at bar, let's get fvcked!" Cover blown.

- Missing the last tube home because the bus was about to arrive at the union all night. 2 hour bus journey home with people laughing at me was not the best.

Stage 2

- Sleeping in the car park of Halfords in Dover because it looked like a good, dark (c.f. word assoc, you heard it here first) spot.
- Attempting to complete Time Crisis 2 on the ferry, spending about £15 each and then sacking it, "We MUST be close to the end now."
- Driving across one fifth of the world's surface in one attempt.
- Playing Top Trumps (9 sets total) practically the entire way which proved to be a somewhat less than safe way to tackle motorway driving.
- International relations between UK and Iti cvnt who was right up our arse. Flipped him the bird, he chased us for 2km to give us the full array of Italian gesticulation. "It must be in their driving test." Completely blanking him.

- Arriving a day early due to miscalculation. Not believing bladder or fred that they were still in Prague. Bladder thinking we were in Prague. "Casing the joint" at Hotel Picador. "Looks really shit. Dan Rose must have fvcked up tour."

Stage 3

- Gentleman's agreements with F Gerstrom.
- Bunch of idiots not realising the key was at reception almost all night and so nobody slept in the biggest room available.
- Accidental gay clubbing.
- Not accidental gay tom foolery.
- Stepping over D Nut passed out in the corridor and not even sparing a thought about waking him to put him in bed.
- Comedy court. "Doddy, for driving around in his little blue and yellow car."
- Fred doing an impression of Curly during the day.
- Not getting the coach home.

Stage 4

- Saturday night. Nut and I are sat in the camp site restaurant drinking: 1 bottle still water, 1 bottle fizzy water, 1 Fanta. Playing Top Trumps. Couple of biiirds walk by. See how massive we are, laugh and walk off. Lads.
_________________
"Yesss, hello. Are you Mr. Topper himeslf? Nice, nice. I'd like a Robert Redford in The Great Gatsby, 1974, directed by Jack Clayton. What do you MEAN you don't know it?!! Ppfffffff.....Pffffffff! Zoing."

Sagittarius, remember that only the stupidest fish get caught with the same bait twice, you've already had the wool pulled over your eyes by the same person twice...

[Richard]

A few cheeky ones:

- Discovering magic vending machines that gave returned your coins, yet gave you your goods. Completely wasting this opportunity by buying cans of aloe vera, gone off sandwiches, and novelty limited edition chocolate bars.

- Lee Bladder's ridiculous drink choices in central Europe's largest nightclub: 'I've got you a grape aloe vera and fernot. It's delightful!'. It was the most disgusting thing ever put in someone's mouth. Unless you're Nick Dyson.

- The Pub Crawl, including:
1. Meeting Isaac at the start, and realising he was the twat we'd verbally abused earlier that day. What a prize wanker.
2. All you can drink beginning with 10 people ignoring the rest of the club, sitting at a four person table, and playing three man. 15 minutes later, the only people at the table were myself, blad and colesy, and none of us could remember which rules we were using.
3. Refusing to talk to people from North America unless they'd been educated at an Ivy League establishment.
4. Minesweeping in the final club, to the extent that Tej and Voyle were just taking drinks out of strangers' hands and chinning them.

- Rowing on a boat with a bent keel and an undersized brig: 'This is shit. Let's just sit here and eat crisps. Bollocks, is that the girls? Now we're going to have to rule the waves, and they definitely won't appreciate that our boat is fucked.'

- Little Takae and her giant hockey ball, toothbrush et al.

- Sophie Archer's dad being my childhood hero.

- Sophie Archer being my current hero.

- Fresher Challenge; Lily's demonstration of a teddy bear roll drawing universal sounds of disgust.

- Court; Fred only getting a miniature girlfriend because he couldn't get Takae.

- Arriving in Rimini to find that Tej and I had between us no shower gel, toothpaste, or deoderant, but having five types of moisturiser. Remedying the problem by stealing/novelty shower gel.

- Waking up from a nap to hear a ridiculous tale involving bent policemen, knives, scouse, dead croatians and tear gas, which gave Scouse a ridiculous case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and was mostly untrue.

- Fearghal Evan emerging alone from the Jagerbombs place, to find that everyone else had been having a quiet drink outside for hours, having left him to his 'No Millie' escapades.

- The girls' ridiculous overreaction to two people going missing for three hours:
'They could be dead. We should call the police! I've called Bladder 14 times, and he won't answer!'
'Have you considered he might not have his phone?'
'Well, no. Shall I call the police?'
'Think about it. If someone goes missing for three meagre hours on tour, they're not going to be dead, are they. They're going to be pissed!'
_________________
'I was a political dissident in my first year' - Fearghal 'Stalin' Evans

[georgefoxall]

- Fearghal Evan posting so many memories that nobody can remember anything else.
- Angry hotel manager on the last day ripping off the bed sheets to be given the oriental salute of my naked form. SCC til I die.
_________________
"Yesss, hello. Are you Mr. Topper himeslf? Nice, nice. I'd like a Robert Redford in The Great Gatsby, 1974, directed by Jack Clayton. What do you MEAN you don't know it?!! Ppfffffff.....Pffffffff! Zoing."

Sagittarius, remember that only the stupidest fish get caught with the same bait twice, you've already had the wool pulled over your eyes by the same person twice...

[georgefoxall]

"Arrive at Dover. The boys are lashed. The dover men aren't happy." 'Who are the dover men?!!'

"Holly Jane Cleasby was shitfaced."
_________________
"Yesss, hello. Are you Mr. Topper himeslf? Nice, nice. I'd like a Robert Redford in The Great Gatsby, 1974, directed by Jack Clayton. What do you MEAN you don't know it?!! Ppfffffff.....Pffffffff! Zoing."

Sagittarius, remember that only the stupidest fish get caught with the same bait twice, you've already had the wool pulled over your eyes by the same person twice...

[Tej]

Richard Grint.
_________________
Helena, looking around confused: "Doddy, where's my fvcking christmas tree gone?"

Doddy, whilst chewing: "I'm eating it"

[fgerstrom]

[Richard]

Forgot to mention Blad's gags. In particular:

F. Gerstrom, interviewing N. Dyson on his exploits with H. Richardson:
'So, who came first?'

F. Evans:
'The chicken!'
_________________
'I was a political dissident in my first year' - Fearghal 'Stalin' Evans

[Olympic Moose]

Tej getting in a random car in Prague. "get out get out get out"
_________________
"That Steve Coogan is quite a talented chap isn't he? And that Car is so very lovely.....I do hope he gets cancer." -John Cleese

[Tej]

Completely forgot about that - my reply was "No, fuck off and just drive."
_________________
Helena, looking around confused: "Doddy, where's my fvcking christmas tree gone?"

Doddy, whilst chewing: "I'm eating it"

[fgerstrom]

Takae holding up a doll.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/leicestershire/8646084.stm
_________________
B. Ladder - "I've pulled far too many black girls in Moonies.".

[Colesy]